She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
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They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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