sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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