I faked an abortion last night.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Are my feet made of real feet?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
