Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Two words: blizzard sex
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
