it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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