we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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