when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
