every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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