Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
