Jerry, you need to find god
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
