How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
