the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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