apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
