wanna go halves on a baby?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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