Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
