I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
