I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
