So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
