Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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