I should be sponsored by Trojan
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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