Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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