Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
