so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
