took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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