i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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