Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Come share oat with me in your robe
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
