Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
