he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just had sex on a roof
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
