matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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