My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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