i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
