I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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