OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
