The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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