Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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