im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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