I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
