I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We are all done wearing pants today
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
