Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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