Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
