I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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