i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
