I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
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my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
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Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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