I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
