If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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