dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
