I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
