if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
