i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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