I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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