Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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