somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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