I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
