Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
